Orangutan babysitter, Hashtag Nostalgia, and 20 Classic Status Updates

Make Monday suck less, share one of these..

20 Classic Status Updates for Facebook:

My first act as ruler of the universe would be changing the week to: Sunday, Friday, Friday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
I don’t have a comeback so I’m just going to correct your grammar and spelling.
80% of life is pulling percentages out of thin air and stating them as facts.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
At what age do you stop shopping at Costco because you won’t use the entire pack before you die?
Nothing says “friend zone” quite like a woman saying “you’re like a brother to me.” Unless you’re from Alabama.
Don’t yell at me to ‘get a grip’ unless you mean around your neck.
The older I get the more I realize there are no grown ups and nobody knows what the f*ck they’re doing.
I’m like an iPhone i just lose energy without doing anything.
Be strong, I whispered to my wifi signal.
It takes men a long time to text back because we know it’s going to be put under the worlds largest microscope.
Girl Scout badge: getting out of ikea
The original creator of the phrase “common sense” surely didn’t know many people.
Twitter is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves.
Is it just me or is waking up at 3am and trying to read a text message is like looking directly into the damn sun?
I didn’t give you the finger…you earned it.
You know a woman is in denial when she starts blaming Zodiac signs for the reason why she’s single. “Well, he’s a Leo and I’m a Sagittarius. It wasn’t going to work.”
I guess “Trying to be” isn’t really the answer the doctor was looking for when he asked if I was sexually active.
And then God said, “Seems unfair to have given man an extra limb so to balance it out I’ll give women the power over which to control it.”